i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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