He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
