My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
