Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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