hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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