this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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