i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
