Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
