they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
