...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
