Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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