my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
