I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
