Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
