Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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