I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize