I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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