My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
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you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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