the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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