hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
