This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
