do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Omg I joined a choir last night...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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