omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
50% drunk capacity currently
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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