considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
