My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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