On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
