You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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