mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I looked at my own cervix.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
