I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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