come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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