You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
