The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
