I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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