I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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