just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
