I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
