I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
