the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We were destined to go to rehab together
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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