dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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