Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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