can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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