Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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