Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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