At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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