Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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