it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
