It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My balls are so social today.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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