I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
