i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
