i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
