She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
