Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
