My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
