Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize