took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
