Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
