Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
